Final revisions are back on! I am KILLING this thing! I'm already feeling the high of creative success, I'm going to accomplish in two weeks what took 7 months last time. Now, please allow me to share with you some of the goofy unused moments from the Night of the PsychoMonkeys!
(I understand that you might not understand what's going on here, as we've been intentionally withholding a lot of Love in the Time of Monster's key story elements from you. For all intensive purposes just consider Ron, Wes, and Lou as zombie-esque monsters.)
(Also these goddamn line break inconsistencies are killing me but WordPress is not saving my formatting changes so F it, whatevs.)
INT. RANCH HALLWAY - NEXT
Marla walks through a hall but hears some glass break from the door next to her. She pauses and opens the door. Looking down she sees the creaky wooden stairs going to the dark basement.
A pause - then, she turns to leave. Another glass clank noise. She descends.
HALLWAY - MEANWHILE
Agatha, in bathrobe, passes by. She notices and thusly shuts the basement door.
Don’t leave doors open, people!
BASEMENT - NEXT
Marla, cautious, wanders through the junky basement, full of boxes of ranch miscellaney. Armando shoots up from behind a stack of boxes! Marla shrieks!
Ah! Oh. I thought something
interesting was down here.
Your anger for the manliness of man
that is I, Armando, does not bother
me anymore, for I have found what I
He holds up a bottle of tequila.
I have a new heart, that of the
blue agave. Ah, you my friend,
will go on the highest of shelves.
Marla rolls her eyes.
EXT. ROAD - MEANWHILE
Before a smoking AstroVan, Russell fumes.
Uncle Randy’s gonna hear about
this! Some tune-up!
(leaning out window)
What’s wrong, Russ?
Damn thing’s torn apart!
So fix it, honey.
Oh, right, because I didn’t think
of that! How come I didn’t just
“fix it, honey”? I’m glad your
four sentence word . . . four
syllables sentence . . . I’m glad
you’re so smart with machines!
Fix it, Dad! Fix it, Dad!
Fix it, Dad! Fix it, Dad!
The kids jump on the seat and chant with a sleeping Granny between them.
Linda, dammit, shut them kids up!
Now, kids, your father’s thinking.
Dennis peers out the window to see his father with another beer.
No he ain’t, he’s drinking.
Russell puts his head back in the van.
Alright, I’m going to see if I
can’t round up some tools or a
phone. You all stay here, and if
you kids start any trouble Mommy
has my permission to use the switch
It’s in the goddamn glove
Oh, don’t be so curt, Russell.
How you going to find help, daddy?
In style, baby. In style.
SAME - NEXT
The trailer of the AstroVan shoots open and Russell rides his Harley Davidson motorcycle out onto the night road. The noise wakes Granny.
Linda watches him from the van. She sighs.
I want a cigarette!
Behind the van, in the woods, stirs a hairy figure.
BASEMENT - MEANWHILE
Armando picks out more liquor for the bar while Marla goes off on him.
. . . and you know what’s going to
happen? Some horny housewife is
going to slip up, and she’ll have a
husband who’s a kickboxer, and
he’ll find you and then I’d like to
see you talk your way out of that
one! Maybe he’ll go easy on you if you
tell him his feet smell like lilac!
Ah, my dear, you still do not
understand. You Americans are very
rigid, very uptight about your
sexuality. You know not romance,
you know not passion, how a
senorita can quiver with the right
whisper, the perfect whiff of sexy
You’re full of shit.
And you are stuffy.
Stuffy? I am, like, the most
unstuffy-est person I know!
My dear, I will simplify this for
you, since I know how the mind of a
woman responds best to metaphor.
Love is like . . .
He picks up a mini-pickaxe from somewhere.
. . . ah, this pickaxe. On one
end, you have a woman. One the
other, a man. The two are
separated by handle of love, yet
when they are spun through this
crazy world -
Armando spins the pickaxe blindly and it sticks into Ron, right beside him suddenly. Armando lets go.
Sorry, my friend. As I was saying,
the pickaxe of love -
Oh my god, are you okay? Who are
you? Bud, Ron . . . Johnny?
It is Ron, just leave him for he is
a man, and strong.
You stabbed him, he needs help!
Ron slowly takes the pickaxe out of himself.
Such a wound is not mortal, my
friend may be in discomfort but I
still have to illustrate my point.
Oh, so it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I was in a calendar, I want
breakfast, I’m illustrating a point!
And you are, how do you say, micro-
Well you’re a, what’s the word I’m
looking for, oh right, yes - pig!
Ron swings the pickaxe down - it misses Armando and Marla both but comes close. It thunks into the counter.
See, he understands the metaphor!
Ron growls and reaches for them! Marla runs off and Armando follows.
Do not attack me friend, I am a
simple man and have nothing to
Marla and Armando make their way up the basement stairs to find the door - locked! They pull and pound on it.
Someone! Open the door!
Why did you shut the door?
I didn’t shut it, it shut itself!
Of course, nothing is ever your fault.
That’s not what I said!
Ron starts to ascend the stairs.
He’s coming up! Do something!
Armando thinks, then grabs Marla and pushes her down the stairs. She tumbles and knocks into Ron, sending them both sprawling.
Marla struggles to get up - Ron clutches her foot, however, and keeps her down. She kicks and kicks!
INT. SLAVKO’S ROOM - NEXT
Slavko, smoking an exotic cigarette, puts a record on the victrola. It spins and plays a scratchy, old Russian ballad. Marianna, sitting in a chair and smoking, raises an eyebrow. Slavko looks at her seductively, tosses the cigarette away and strikes a powerful dance position.
HALLWAYS - NEXT
Big Kahuna, Agatha, Crystal, and Jade rush through the halls to Slavko’s room.
This way, around here -
They round a corner and see Wes sluggishly heading towards Slavko’s room, towards the music.
- oh, shit, back, back!
They all hide around the corner. Wes turns but does not see them. He turns back and continues walking to Slavko’s room.
He looked stinky! What do we do?
Big Kahuna says, exchange some
SLAVKO’S ROOM - NEXT
Slavko finishes a powerful, sexy dance for his wife, finishing in a striking pose.
Wes bursts through the doors!
Wes! You are being rude! But I
must admit I’ve been expecting you.
For, you see, you would like a
raise. Ha! I know this. In
Russia, I work in tractor factory
for seven cents.
Wes advances on them, arms outstretched and groaning.
Look at the American boy, he knows
not how to treat his boss. His
brain is full of Nintendo!
Wes I will give you no more money -
none! - until I see you be the top
hairy man beast! Be the top! Go
for the best, yes?
The boy does not listen! He does
not want to be the top!
Marianna spins out of her chair and kicks it, sliding it across the floor to hit Wes in the legs. He trips over it and falls to the floor. Slavko bends down and looks over him.
Wes, you must behave or I will
strip you naked and sell you to the
Wes reaches for Slavko’s leg with a gaping, bloody snarl - when Big Kahuna, Agatha, Crystal, and Jade rush through the doors with sticks and rush to surround Wes! They bombard him with blows, an obscene amount, until he lies still.
Does nobody like Wes?
It’s not that, boss.
You all want raise?
No, that’s not it either -
Well Agatha I really could use more
And Speedos don’t come cheap!
Speedos, shit, look at these
sequined nipple tassels!
Alright, quiet! Look boss, for
some reason all your bigfoot kids
are freaking out.
They’re attacking us!
They’re all slimy and dirty!
What! Anger, here? But this is a
Who is doing this?
Jim and Wes so far.
And Ron, too.
They turn and see Armando strut in.
But I took care of him. I used the
strength of the ox.
Ah! He gets the raise!
VAN - NEXT
Russell rounds the corner to see Lou attacking Linda, who is defending herself with her purse. Granny is hitting Lou with the paddle while the children run in circles around them all, screaming.
Granny hits Lou’s arm - Linda falls back onto the ground and Lou turns to Granny.
She may be pumpkin-headed but she’s the
only daughter-in-law I got. Back off!
Lou punches Granny in the face and she rolls backwards in her wheelchair down the road.
Granny keeps rolling, shouting, arms flailing, unable to stop. Lou chases after her down the hill.
Stay away from my ma!
Russell jumps his Harley - he flies completely over Granny and hits Lou in the face with his rear tire! Offscreen, Granny crashes.
Russell lands and parks his bike, then runs up to his wife and kids.
You alright, baby? Kids?
Help us, Dad!
Russell stands and turns to Lou. Lou rises, half his mask shorn off by the tire, exposing his bloody face.
You look really tired.
Russell punches Lou.
Why don’t you take a nap!?
INT. LODGE LOBBY
After the PsychoMonkeys attack, the survivors gather together in the lodge.
Oh, hey there. Did you and Ron work
She girl-hits Armando a couple times and turns to Slavko.
A, fire this bartender. Two, where’s
Agatha? And lastly has anyone seen a
girl in lingerie that looks like me?
Agatha is dead too.
Did she already hand out paychecks for
The Bigfoot guys hate us now. Everyone
else is gone, or in here. Why do they
hate us? Do you know? Does anyone?
Nobody answers. They look at each other, concerned.
Holy shit. I mean, seriously, what the
fuck? I gotta find Carla!
No, you stay. I am owner and you will
remain inside as long as you are on my
property. Right now, I need one hundred
percent less liability!
You’re not my Dad!
Marla goes for the door when Wes and Jim run by the boarded windows, snarling. She recoils.
Impetuousness can get you into trouble.
Ricky Retardo, please stop talking.
Slavko, we got the downstairs all locked
and boarded up pretty good, I think we
should do the upstairs too. They look
Yes, but punch out for today first. I do
not pay extra for crisis situations. And
do not break anything!
We can’t lock up everything, my sister
needs a way to get back inside.
Of course! By all means, Big Kahuna
leave that door slightly ajar. Don’t
worry, our murderous friends will know
it’s not for them.
What did I say? Are you deaf AND an
Valued customer, I must insist you sit
down and sign this release form.
What? No! You can’t just shut Carla out
there! You’re legally responsible for
your guests in cases like this, which my
sister and I totally are. Paying guests.
Look, uh, valued customer, it sucks that
your sister is missing, it really does,
alright? There’s probably a lot of
people out there and it sucks for them
too. If they come to us we can help
them, but we’re not going to risk our
safety in looking for them. That is just
not going to happen. Now either help
seal up the place or get out of our way.
Marla growls and puts up her hands to strangle Armando, but instead grabs a nearby pair of binoculars.
Well, thanks to you I’m too drunk to do
much of anything, and the way I see it
it’s your job to make sure the paying
customers are safe and comfortable, so
get to it. If anyone sees my sister
before I do, give a shout!
She stomps off upstairs.
And you might want to ask your buddy in the
pantry why he’s being a dickhead!
CHESTER’S SHACK - MEANWHILE
Carla finishes buttoning up her/Chester’s flannel shirt and looks around at how the cabin is decorated in Bigfoot paraphernalia. There are posters and plaster casts and hair samples and skull fragments and maps with sightings marked on them and diagrams.
What is all this?
Chester comes back from the kitchen with a teapot.
Why, this is all one-hundred
percent authentic proof of the
existence of Gigantopithecus
Blacki. Better known around these
parts as the Sasquatch.
(exploring it all)
(pouring the tea)
Of course! You can’t expect to
believe that a creature like this
would show up over all these years,
to so many people in so many
countries, just to turn out fake!
No, no, in all my years of hunting
and exploring the world I’ve come
to see a great many creature,
Carla, and believe you me when I
tell you the giant ape-man is out
(drinking the tea)
And you’re looking for him.
I have led a full life, wandered
many continents and loved many
women. But there’s no challenge
like those that are called
Carla looks again to the stuffed bear head on the wall.
But you, you want to ...
Chester sees where she’s looking.
Oh! No, no my dear! Never! Pish-
tosh! Only one of feeble mind
would resort to such cruelty and
ignorance. I merely would like to
prove the existence to myself. And
maybe sit and chat over a cup of
tea. And maybe then love some more
Carla rises and goes to a roll-up screen with a life-size picture of Bigfoot’s head on it. She analyzes the picture, the eyes.
They say he pre-dates man, you
know. So what right do we have to
make him the outcast?
That’s, like, deep.
Man, there's so much cut out of previous drafts that you could take all the stuff I post and make a movie in itself! That is, unless I say all media on this page is copyright Golem Pictures 2011, bitches.
Thanks for reading!